My Testimony
On March when I was praying I keep hearing, tell your story.
I pray every day for Yahavah's guidance on what to post on here what to post on
YouTube. So this is my testimony. Some parts are private and very personal but
Abba says share, so I am going to share.
Because this is so long I am going to post it into 2 posts. Thanks!
Yahavah has been a part of my life since I was little girl.
I am very blessed for that. I know there are many who do not have that
opportunity and I am grateful I was given that opportunity. Actually the Lord was
already saving me before I was born. I had the umbilical cord wrapped around my
neck and I was cutting off my air supply. They were trying to get me out
because they thought I was going to die. But I made it because of Yahavah. I
needed him early on. I come from a home with an alcoholic step father who was
constantly drunk constantly yelling, I was constantly verbally, and mentally
abused. My biological father was never a part of my life until I was 11. Then he was only present through letters,
boxes of make-up gifts, or phone calls.
My mom wasn’t around because she had to work all the time. So it was
just me and my sister. I knew pain and hurt from a very early age. I always
felt trapped. School was a happy time for me because it meant I wasn't at
home. I went to a Baptist church when I
was a little girl but I remember very little. I was probably there from the
time I was 5 or 6 until I was 7 or 8. I do remember one time when I was only 6
or 7. I was so sad, so hurt, so upset because my step dad was drunk and had
been yelling at me nonstop. As I was lying in bed I started praying it was one
of the first memories I have of praying. I have never shared this story with
anyone so this is a first! But I was praying and debating if God was real. In
my little mind it was so hard to wrap it around the concept of God and having
someone to protect me and watch over me. Because if he was real why did he let
my dad do the things he did to me and why did he allow me to be so sad. So I
said God if your real hold my hand right now. I told God I would close my eyes
real tight and not peek and I said hold my hand to show you’re real. Well I
closed my eyes real tight and I felt a warmth in and around my hand. It felt
like someone was holding my hand. It felt so real and I felt happiness or what
I can describe now as soothing, peace. I also opened one eye just to look and I
saw a small flash of light but the feeling didn't leave I felt someone there
holding my hand and I wasn't afraid. You would think that one experience would
be enough for me to believe in God right? Nope I was 7 I asked quite a few
times after that but every time I asked I always felt something. I have always
known God was with me. Do I think it was actually God, Abba touching me? Maybe
not but I do think it was God comforting me as a little girl in pain.
I do not tell anyone about my personal life to get them to
feel sorry for me or to get anything from anyone. Yahavah has given me
everything I need now but this is just so you, the reader can understand what I
was going through at that time and what God has now brought me through. The
next big event for me was when I was 12. It is hard to deal with everything I
was dealing with at such a young age. I also felt like I had no way out nowhere
to go. I wasn't in church at the time and God was the last thought on my mind.
I was in so much pain and had so much hurt inside of me that I didn't know what
to do with. I thought it would be easier if I died. I didn't want to live
anymore. I wanted to be dead in the ground away from the world and everything I
knew. So I took an entire bottle of diet pills. Well actually about half the
bottle the other half was thrown across the room while I was crying and
screaming. I got sick and vomited a lot and I think that along with God saved
my life. I should have died right then; 12 years old trying to commit suicide
when I should have been outside playing,
but I didn't
die. God saved me. I didn't know it then but God saved me. He kept me alive
because he had greater plans for me. I did try again with the rest of the pills
I had but thankfully God protected me again. From that point when I was 13 I
figured if I couldn't kill myself with pills I was going to cut myself. I
started cutting at the age of 13. I would cut my legs and my stomach. I also
started piercing myself too. I pierced my belly button. I did all kinds of
things to myself. I was crying out for LOVE, I needed someone to love me hold
me. I needed to talk to someone about all the pain hurt anger everything I had
built up inside of me. Mainly I needed to control the pain. I couldn't control
all the pain my step father was inflicting on me, or the pain because of school
but I could control the pain I would cause myself. Around that time we started
going to another church, and my mom put me in Alanon and I eventually stopped
cutting but again it’s another thing God brought me out of.
When I was 14 my mother was pregnant was twins and it was a
HUGE blessing for our family. This is my mother’s testimony to tell but I will
tell what I know of it. First of all, my mom somehow managed to drop 2 eggs and
get pregnant in each egg. So the babies were actually different ages. I believe
Jimmy (my brother) was conceived a few weeks before Sylvia (my sister). But it
was a hard pregnancy from the beginning for my mother. When she was just 3
months pregnant Jimmy's amniotic sac tore, it had separated from the uterine
lining and my mom was hemorrhaging. I have never seen my mother so scared in my
whole life. She was crying and so scared. She was rushed to the hospital and
admitted. She was put in a room with 2 beds. The first night she was there she
was forced to look at a miscarriage prep trey that the nurses had set on her
bed next to her. The doctor was so sure she was going to miscarry that he had
prep kit in there already. Well God intervened and healed my mom. She did not
miscarry. The enemy tried to take the twins again when she went into labor. She
was scheduled for a C-section but before that could happen she started going
into labor and I guess because she had 2 of us already it was a fast one! The
twins were ready to come out and neither of them had turned so Jimmy was coming
out feet first and his foot was already outside by the time they finally got
her to the operating room for the emergency C-section. Basically my mom should
have died and the twins should have died but they didn't God was there and he
protected them all. The twins are now very healthy and recently turned
16!!
When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a
friend. This is also something else I have never really shared with anyone.
Only the closest people to me ever knew about this. But God heals and God
healed me.
When I was 15 I also had my best friend’s mother pass away.
It was so hard. My friend’s house was my refuge to get away from my own harsh
reality. Her mom was like my second mom and she was an amazing person. She was
a nurse with a big heart. I loved her to death so when she passed away I felt
like part of my heart died. I felt so sad for my best friend and so sad for my
first loss of someone I cared for.
I guess when I was 15 it was a bad year for me because I
also had a friend who passed away in a really bad car accident that year. She
and I weren't close but close enough that it shook me up and scared me. These
are all just more examples of the things and the ways God has made me whole
again.
From the time I was 13 until now I have had body image
problems. But when I was 13 I became anorexic. My food would consist of an
apple or a can of tuna and some crackers maybe. That would be all I would eat
every day for 2 years. I was also in track and basketball so there were times I
would literally pass out but play it up to me just working out too hard when
actually it was because I had no food in my body! I can't remember exactly what
my lowest weight was but I am 5'9 with a big frame and I got down to 120 I
believe. I was so tiny I could go to the boys section of the store and buy a
small or medium BOYS sized shirt and it would fit. I would look in the mirror
and all I would see was fat but when I look at the pictures of me from that
time period I looked sickly. I can see a lot of my bones. Again this is
something else God healed me from. God
is amazing!!!
Around the time I was 13 my started taking us to a
Pentecostal church. It was my first experience really seeing the Holy Spirit
moving. I didn't understand it at first but my mom explained what was going on
to me! The church was spirit filled every Sunday. Every Sunday there were
people falling out in the spirit and the first time I was like oh no! They
fell! Help them! J
My mom very kindly told me they were okay that the Holy Spirit was working on
them. Even though I did have many bad
things happen I think I should include one very important good too and at the
age of 15 I was blessed with the gift of speaking in tongues. I am sure some people will say that is too
young or it couldn't have been. But you can say or think whatever you like
because it happened and it was one of the most amazing experiences. At 15 I was
in church 3 days a week praying my little heart out. I had so many things
happening to me and I needed God in a big way. He was there too watching over
me even if I didn't realize it. Late one evening there was some spiritual
warfare going on in my home. I don't feel God wants me to share all details but
there was my mom and 2 other adult Christian woman praying very intensely for a
family member who was in danger. They
were doing some intercessory prayer. The sound of the prayer woke me and
Rosemary (family friend) told me I needed to get on my knees and pray. I obeyed
because it was what everyone else was doing and I knew someone was in trouble.
Within just a few minutes of me starting to pray the Holy Spirit fell on me and
I started speaking on tongues. The very instant it happened it was loud and
purposeful. I had absolutely no control of any of the words that were coming
out of me but I knew it was all from God and he was using me to help. I would
have been scared but I knew what it was and I felt at peace. I felt love and I
knew it was God. After the danger had passed I felt a release, everyone felt
it. My mom told me the next day it was needed at the time for protection. I
have prayed many many times since that night but I have only ever felt the Holy
Spirit as strongly as I did that night maybe twice. God still blesses me to
speak in tongues often but that
experience was different. It's hard to explain.
One of the most amazing times God protected me was when I
was 18 and I will never forget. I lived literally almost across the street from
my high school but it was a huge street 4 lanes very busy and I was walking
home and went to cross the street and I was with my boyfriend at the time and
saw a friend in a car across the way and wasn't paying attention and it was
like everything went into slow motion. I felt my boyfriend’s hand try to grab
for me and heard him say wait but I kept on going then I felt an arm; a large
strong arm across my stomach, grab it,
and basically pull me to a stop right in front of a car that I was almost hit
by. I was so close to the car I felt the whoosh as it flew by. I know without a
doubt that God was using his angels to protect me. That is yet another day I should have died
but didn't.
I continued to be abused by my stepfather until I went away
to college. I had to move back because of financial aid issues and his abuse
went to a new level. One day he told me he was going to smash my skull in with
a broom. The cops were called and it was bad so I left. I was homeless for a few weeks. I spent one
night in my car. I spent nights with friends wherever and whenever I could.
When I was 22 I experienced another hard loss. 2 friends
that I worked with and were close with were killed when they tried to get
around a train at a train stop. My friend Angela was pregnant so it was even
sadder. It was really hard for me because I had Chris & Angela on my mind
for a full week before they passed and I truly believe God was telling me to go
speak to them but I didn't know that then. Even when I wasn't going to church
regularly I still prayed and talked to God. Just not like I should have been.
I moved to South Carolina when I was 23. This was me
basically running as hard and as fast as I could from my step father and
dysfunctional family. My biological father had never really done anything for
me in my life but constantly told me to move to South Carolina. He told me if I
moved there he could do everything and anything for me. He told me he would
help me there. I believed him and moved. I moved in with my Step brother and
his fiancée. I was initially against
even moving in with my brother because he smoked pot, I didn't realize how it
consumed his life until after I moved in. Prior to moving in he promised I
would never be around the pot smell it, see it, nothing. I am also allergic to
cigarette smoke and apparently pot smoke because it gave me migraines. Not to
mention the fact that it's ILLEGAL! Well my step brothers no pot around me
lasted for maybe a month or two. My biological fathers help consisted of him
wanting me to give him every paycheck I have and him completely managing my
money for me. When I would not do that he constantly and I do mean constantly would
call me yell at me, and tell me to move out and leave now. My mother who didn't want me to move SC
punished me by keeping the car I had just bought it was in her name so she had
every right but it left me carless and at the mercy of my step brother. I felt
trapped there I very rarely left my room because I didn't want to be around the
pot and just because I didn't want to be around my step brother when he was
high. It was very dark time for me. I began over eating and started gaining
weight. I started wishing I was dead again. I wanted to be at the bottom of the
ocean this time. That's when I knew something had to change. I started to pray
again I had stopped praying almost completely but I started again.
Please read the second part in the next Blog post! Thanks!
